Thursday, November 19, 2009
This is for the guy which I can't stop thinking about
I'm damn obsessed now..... WHAT SHOULD I DO??? And I can't bear waiting for so long. I'm hurting inside real bad right now..........What should I do now? I've fallen in love with Jevons that it actually hurts to see that he doesn't talk to me much or hasn't even asked me the question. I really enjoyed the chalet a lot and I really enjoyed my time with you a lot, but I didn't succeed in what I was hoping for. I just wish you wouldn't have to drag this so long. Justin was by my side trying to help you get over all this confusion, but it seems like it didn't work and is also making me confused as well. I just want this pain to somehow stop, and that I could just spend time with you like during the chalet. And that I could hold your hand and walk around freely and to kiss anywhere we wanted to, not just under the blanket. I want these moments to rerun, except that the question would just pop out and it would be the end of all this confusion. I just want a clear confirmation. Because I've fallen in love with you and I can't stop thinking about you. I sound really desperate, and I am, but I just can't help it because this is how I feel about you. If you feel uncomfortable with it, you could always say so and I'll back off. All I just want is that you would be comfortable with what you are now and that I do not want to be a burden to you....thanks to justin, I managed to get this close. I just want to go a little more closer.
1:18 PM
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Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Words of advice
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT ME. I DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT HOW YOU BITCH ABOUT ME. I'M NOT AFFECTED, NEITHER IS ANYONE ELSE EXCEPT YOU. I DON'T CARE IF YOU THINK I'M A SLUT OF ANY KIND, BUT WHO REALLY CARES. I'M JUST AN AVERAGE GIRL, SO WHY CAN'T GUYS JUST LIKE ME? YOU'RE THE ONE WHO ALWAYS FEELS INSECURE ABOUT EVERYTHING, INCLUDING YOURSELF. FOR ONCE, STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. DON'T BE AN IDIOT ANYMORE.
9:01 PM
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Sunday, November 1, 2009
You should at least know it hurts
I know some people, after reading this post, is going to say, "haha, serves you right" or "I already told you" or "there it goes again". Well, say all you want. You people know that everybody will get upset some time.
Please, only the one who's suppose to read this, please read it. You know who you are.
I wrote those things on my pm, thinking that you would at least know how I feel. I say I want to make myself happy, it's because I don't want to be dragged down by you. I know you feel upset too, but don't you think I'm also really upset because of you? I smsed you on your birthday, at least hoping for a reply. Or even a call from a pay phone or something. I hated the feeling when you don't want to talk to me or you just run away without telling me everything. And I really hated it when you lied to me. I don't want you to be pulled down by your parents all the time. You don't even dare to talk to me online. You don't even say good morning or anything. You just scold me upfront. Do you think I wanted all this? The moment you look at me, your face just turns black. You know that I love you. Yet you don't even dare to say you love me. I don't know whether if you're with another girl or what, but you don't know how much it hurts when you don't even sms me for the past week. Or even talk to me online. Everyone knows who you are to me. You might not trust them, but you should at least know that they've been there for you all these time. You just don't bloody care.You don't care if I cried because you called me a bitch. You don't care if I cried because you just said sorry and I had to forgive you because you are you. You don't care if I hated the fact that your parents hold me back from being with you. So what do you care about? You care about yourself. Only you. And your so called future. For yourself. I just want my future to be at least about you, or at least with other people. Why can't you at least do just that? You would give me up for your future, and you would give me up just for the sake of keeping your parents happy. I have been giving and giving in this relationship, so why can't you just do the same? For God's sake, I don't even get to talk to you face to face. So why can't you just be a man and just do something about it? I don't want to keep on getting hurt. I've gotten so used to it that I cry 4 times more than I ever did in my whole life. I just want you to love me, and prove to everyone that you love me. For once, make the effort. You don't even make the effort to get away from your parents just to be with me. Please, just do it for my sake. You used to do it, so why can't you do it now? You used to say "I love you", why can't you do it now?Just do it once more for me. It won't cost you anything.
Well, kayaking was so bloody fun with the twins, ginseng, shit, Sam, Justinki, and the handsome medic. Going to hold a bowling one soon. Call all to join. Best fun we'll ever have. Oh, and by the way, my camera is dead gone and never coming back, so let's pray it'll go to heaven and all the pictures we took be stuck in our memories forever(:
11:24 PM
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9:57 AM
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Saturday, September 12, 2009
Sorry guys for such a late posting. Was too tired and too bored to update my blog. Well, the sad days are now supposedly gone, but I'm now stuck at home to allow my friend to pass her exam. Ask me personally if you want to know why I'm grounded until so badly. If you want to know the obvious truth, just look at it on my head. Anyways, the previous post IS the previous post. I've gotten over it, so don't worry, I'll just be the happy, irritating girl I used to be. Moreover, I'll be studying, which is OMG something you won't see every day? Anyways, I've cleared up my stuff. After this short short holiday, I want to get better results(hopefully...). Then most likely going to take up dancing at Lina's church. Not, counting last week and this week. Going to take some time to rest now and then, and get some stuff done.
Hopefully you'll quit smoking. I hate smokers, I told you, and I'm being really really lenient already. One stick a day, maximum. No more. Hopefully less.
2:03 PM
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Wednesday, August 26, 2009
If you really cared for me you wouldn't so this
I gave up so much for you. I love you so much. I thought you cared about how I felt. Why must you do this to me? Don't listen to stupid people who tell you the wrong things. I can't believe you're able to just let me go like that. You don't really know how I feel right? You don't know how much pain I'm going through, how many days and nights I've been crying just to make you think twice. It hurts me right now and I don't want to hurt so much anymore. I love you. I don't want to seperate from you. You're so harsh to me don't you know that? And do you know how hurt I felt when you said all this on our anniversary? And that you would rather go to Natalie instead of me. Don't bother asking if I'm alright. Because you won't even say good morning or goodnight to me. I wish I could say that I'm fine without you, but I'm just suffering so much depression whether I liked it or not. You don't even have the balls to see me. If you love me, you would atleast say sorry. I don't know if I can suffer one over year just to wait for you. It hurts me enough already now, and it'll continue hurting until you think things over. I can't believe you would just leave me like that. If you love me, you would change your mind. Or I'll really take things into my own hands.
...I DON'T WANT TO KEEP ON CRYING EVERY NIGHT JUST TO KNOW YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE.
8:03 PM
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Sunday, August 16, 2009
I hate to say this but I have to, my dear
I'm really sorry to have to say this but it's what's hurting me most. I'm also sorry to say this to my honey but I've really got to let it out. Please read it. I'm sorry if I'm going to be very long winded.
...I'm just so upset with you now. I know it's unfair for me to say so but I really feel like I've given up almost everything in my life for you. And it's like you don't even dare to give up anything for me. I hate that. And it just hurts. Everyone thinks that you're you, that's why you are so unemotional and dense. Or maybe just plain stupid. I just feel like you aren't willing enough to give up anything to be with me. When you asked for webcam, I went online and just so I could talk to you. But you just told me the next moment that you couldn't talk. And for what? So that you could think of something that you wouldn't tell me.
...You told me that I could tell you anything. I did tell you everything. I'm even able to let you go so much deeper into me than anyone else. But now you are always hiding things from me and I just don't like it. I just want you to talk to me. About anything to me. But you won't. And I just hate it. And everytime when you told me everytime I do something wrong, when I say sorry, you just say the same thing. "Everytime you do it then say sorry de, it's always like that." And when you say sorry, it's like I have to forgive you and forget about it. I just want you to tell me everything. And I mean everything.
...Another thing. I love you a lot. You should know that. And I pray that you love me too. I just pray you do. But you don't seem to love me anymore. You don't even want to tell me that you love me anymore, and every night, I stay up trying not to cry, thinking and praying that you still love me.
...I love you. And I gave up almost everything. I let go of so many things just to be with you. I rejected many many guys, telling them I loved no one else but you. I have never loved anyone this much, not even God. I lost many good men. I know that you love me, I just pray you do, but I want you to show me, even when I'm not around. You won't even sms me that you love me. I know I keep telling you that I just want to know that you love me, but it's isn't.
...You wouldn't even spare a few more minutes with me. And you couldn't even wait 15 more minutes when my meeting was dragged. I was fine to skip a few meetings and also dinner with my grandma and also wait over 5 hours just to spend the next half an hour with you. I was totally fine with that, because I always feared that may be my last time I might see you. Do you know how much it is to just sacrifice for you? Or just to even waste my time and energy on you? It hurts, and it hurts real bad.
...I know your reputation in school is bad enough. Or just quite bad. And I know that it's not getting better. But I just want you to stop listening to the stupid idiots who talk about you. It's just dumb. I am proud enough to tell everyone that you're my boyfriend and that I love you a lot. But why can't you just do the same for me? And one more thing. Your parents. Why won't you just talk to them? Or get someone older to talk to them? Like David? He's willing to help. So is everyone. Just try doing something for me for once. Just for me.
...I love you, and I mean a lot. I just want you to know that. I just want to know that you love me too. And that you're willing to give up anything for me. You know how important this installation is to me. I just hope that you'll be there. Just for me.
...I love you.
Labels: it would be a great miracle if I didn't cry every night for you.
9:09 PM
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